Is it just me or was October a bitch?

The entire month my subconscious was processing something. I had trouble sleeping, trouble eating, difficulty concentrating, and difficulty getting motivated. I was sad, irritable, anxious, insecure, and had no appetite.  I had been feeling really good before October so all of these emotions came as a double shock. I hadn’t felt this insecure or anxious since my 20’s. I thought I was past all of that. Poor Alex, my partner, was trying to be as supportive and patient as possible but crying almost daily combined with the inability to make the simplest decision did not bring out my most attractive self.

But I let it happen. I did not want to fall down the rabbit hole and I did not want this awful feeling to turn into depression. So I did everything I could to let it happen and still function. One of my friends commented that I had gotten out of bed and put on pants and considering how I was feeling that was a successful day! And she was right. When you feel terrible the bar is lowered for what counts as successful day. What counts as a productive day changes when you don’t want to do anything.

When I craved something I ate it, that is better than not eating at all. When I was tired I napped, pushing through exhaustion does not make you stronger. When I wanted to cry I watched a sad movie and let the tears flow. When Alex asked me what I wanted for dinner and I could not think of anything he graciously made the decision for us.

It was an awful month and I still don’t understand why I went through what I did but I came out the other end and November feels great! Hindsight will show me what I learned, in time. For now I will be very proud of myself for making it through October. 

PTmeggan@gmail.com