It started a few weeks ago. I began to feel the low energy and the apathy. I was already struggling with allergies so I didn’t think much of it. But then things that would normally get me excited felt dreadful. Spending time with friends, making plans for holidays, even eating of any kind had lost its interest for me. As soon as I lost my appetite I recognized it, depression. “Here we go again”, I thought.
But this time I gave in completely. I didn’t fight it in the least. I ate whatever I wanted so that I at least ate. I canceled plans with friends just as I felt like doing and I lay in front of the TV for hours binge watching nothing on Netflix. I even talked about this gentle slope downward that I was feeling. I shared all of this with my boyfriend and reminded him, and myself, that it was temporary. I shared with a close friend that I could feel myself going down on the easy part of a roller coaster. I told her how I recognized it and was letting it happen. She said that now I needed to figure out how to pull myself out of it. But I disagreed. This time I would fall. This time I would let it happen. Without judgement and without a timeline or a plan I would just feel the way I felt and let it be. And it worked.
A few weeks later I felt like myself again. I made notes in my calendar for future reference but I did not dwell on it. I felt no shame in it and I did not try to hide it. I allowed myself to sleep as much as I wanted, eat whatever I could or felt like, and avoid social interactions as I desired.
This is one of the first times I have so completely given in to those beginning feelings of sadness and depression. And this is one of the few times that the anxiety has not been a part of the valley. The deep valley that usually is riddled with low self-esteem and embarrassment at my inability to feel better was now just the low lying part of a plain.
I’m not saying I have discovered the secret to my emotional roller coaster but I certainly feel optimistic about the next time it happens. Whether it is a cyclical shift in hormones, a chemical my body neglects to produce, my mind testing me, or something else entirely, I at least feel hopeful that I will be able to float through the next set of troubled waters instead of being fearful that I might drown.